Not so silently screaming

Today I just wanted to share my pain.

Cramp.

Yes cramp.

Work done by the devil as he taunts you and your new exercise regime.

Like a thousand sharp needles jabbed into you in delicate places.

Now add two dogs who think you are playing with them as you roll around on the floor moaning and clutching your leg.

Taking it in turns to pounce, bite and lick you.

The screaming is mixed with trying not to laugh, as that then tightens the muscles and makes it hurt even more. So the circle of pain continues ... and the biting.. and pouncing ..

It must be the 10th Circle in Dantes Inferno..

Hard work - You should try eating a bun

So we live in a (theoretical) universe that encompasses all the infinite possibilities that each decision we make represents. Not just in a Sliding Doors way, but for every journey there are an infinite number of start times with an infinite number of outcomes. And to keep it simple there are degrees of infinity as well.

A strange fact is that there are an infinite number of numbers between 1 & 2 and they arent countable (look up Cantor if you are interested, bored or want to impress geeks). Strangely enough some infinities are countable but guess how long you would need to count them?

So with all this infinity populating our normal lives, there is a reality where running is easier than eating a bun.

Where chunky monkeys are revered for their bun skills as they have to practice a lot, British Bake Off is a behind the scenes visit to the Team UK training camp for the international scoff awards and running is an activity for the unpopular people in life.

Gym would become plumping rooms, with specialist machines to increase your ability. One will be a massive whipped cream can where you would do small spurts to build up stamina before moving on to the crispy cornflake crammer which slowly fed you pieces of chocolate crispy cakes.

Beeeeep...  that is the machine finished now onto the next one. Unfortunately in the real reality (or is it) its back to sweating and trying to lose as many atoms as possible or at least turn those atoms in a less wobbly structure.

10 days ago I did a Go Tri event (highly recommend them) which I came middle table in. Yes I know it isnt about competing but let the fat boy have a moment. Since then visitors and visiting have sapped my motivational mojo.

This week will be different, I have chosen a different reality from the one where I stayed in bed this morning (sadly I didnt make it to the plumping room, that was the other reality).

Only 3 weeks left ...

In the Zone ..

Last few weeks have seen a slow return to the gym. I still have tightness in my calf but due to a combination of rubbing, waves and needles it hurts a lot less.

I took a training selfie for you all to see :-)

The reality is that I have only a month or so to get back to where I was before, that is being able to complete the Triathlon in September without serious medical assistance.

This week I have got back to being able to run 4k without too much effort so to reward myself I thought I would enter a couple of smaller events before september. Sat I have entered myself for a Go Tri event with a short swim then 2.5k run. Should give me a bit of a fix after weeks of being laid off.

I thought that to motivate me I would post my training schedule for the week here... so that I know I will do it

Monday - Gym - Run - 4K
Tuesday - Pool -  Swim (although judging by the weather outside I could just use the front garden)
Wed -Pool - Swim (evening is lane swimming so less idiots to worry about)
Thurs - Gym - X training including Run
Fri - Rest
Sat - Go Tri event
Sun - Bike

Not particularly exciting but will get me fitter and closer to the Brackley Tri

Remember that tank top you bought me ....

The last couple of weeks have been incredibly frustrating with my calf injury still quite sore. I managed to get back training only for it to flare up again.

Trying not to be wussy yet not overexert at the same time is a bit of an issue. I think that the fact I am still classified in the comfortably padded measurement index doesnt help much. So that will be dealt with in due course.

Last Sat I was signed up to do a Duathlon in Preston, a run then a cycle then a run, but come Friday it was clear I couldn't manage the run part of it. even with the application of lots of heat and mega stretching my calf kept cramping up.

Anyway a couple of days rest and Sunday I hit the gym again. Thankfully the last couple of days have been pain free which means I am back up at doing an hour in the gym which is awesome. That means that my next tri in August in Macclesfield should be a goer (words I never thought I would utter)

For those of you that are joining me in September just a gentle hint that it is only 7 weeks away :-) 
It will fly past!

So boring bit over with want to know what I think sometimes when running ...
no? ...
stop reading then ...

1) Why cant they have heat converters that take the heat from the gym and use it to drive some sort of energy recovery system? Perhaps they could use it to heat the water in the sauna? (I did think about it being pumped straight in then mentally corrected myself for the ick factor)

2) Even though my mp3 is on random how come it is always the same songs? I seem to have far too much Rancid on there even though they are only 10 of the few hundred songs

3) If I had one wish I decided that I would spend it on making Solar UV cleaning water via plastic bottles a viable method. Not exciting as a ferrari but something pretty cool. There must be an answer out there somewhere

4) Surely all of the antiques in the UK have been bought and sold by a team in a crappy brightly coloured fleece jacket .. .normally at a loss

5) Is it ok to sing to yourself in the gym? I mean I know I am an awesome singer ...

6) Why not fit drains under the gym equipment so that the sweat runs away rather than sitting there till someone half arsedly wipes it down?

7) If I had to write one song it would be Wizzards christmas hit. Money for life ... then you could do whatever you wanted.

8) When they invent a way to pipe books straight into your mind will they just download everything at once or will you have to sign up to a weekly Britannia music style programme? 

9) Can you exercise in your sleep?

10) Do people every put their phones down?

So yes .. .a little of me ...that is 2 minutes you will never get back ... I did warn you ..

testing.. testing.. one .. two .. .one..two ...

Blows dust off ...

Yep still working. Good.

Sorry to interrupt your lives again (although you chose to come here, so really it is you that should be apologising to me) but I thought I would start my blog again.

I only intended it to cover up to the first triathlon, thinking that was mission accomplished.

But I find myself in the position that in two weeks I have a duathlon and in 4 or so weeks I have another triathlon with one more end of September. In order to not embarrass myself and to sound like an interesting person I though I would restart this so you can join me in my journey.

To catch up -

• I have been injured with calf muscle which meant little or no training for last 3 weeks
• somehow 3 other intelligent people have signed up to do the September Brackley Tri based on my idiotic ramblings and actions
• Back training as from yesterday 
• I have bought myself a GPS & HRM watch which is proper funky 
• I have realised I was overtraining hence the injury 
• Last night I read a book about an Ironman triathlon which set me thinking .. only 17 hours in total. 

So thats it for now, I am off to physio so that a delicate young lady can inflict massive pain on me.

If anyone else fancies a bit of a challenge then feel free to join us in September, you can do it for Charity if you want. 

Fat boy did run.. and swim .. and cycle

I did it. Yes I really did.

 I crossed the finishing line without medical assistance and so my challenge was completed.

So for those of you sane enough never to decide to do something ridiculous like this I thought I would tell you how it went.Apologies for it being rather unfunny but thought you might like the facts



Week before
As it dawned on me that on Sunday I was going to be running and cycling a bit, I thought I would check out the course. Oh bugger.

I forgot we werent in Kansas any more Toto. Northern England has hills. And I am doing my tri in Kendall. Famous for its mint cake ... to eat when up those hills.

At that point I thought about all the amazing injuries I could get and not have to do the race. I looked at the profile a few times to see if I could wish it somehow more Holland than Lake District. But to no avail.

Next step was to do the route on google maps. Eek, even worse. Up to this point all my training had been on the flat. I hadnt even ever thought that there may be more than a slight undulation. But bugger it, I would walk if I had to. It still didnt stop the most nerve wracking 5 days of my life. Stupid isnt it!

The Day
I had been given my start time and so had to go and register beforehand at the venue. Being massively paranoid we left earlier and got there with loads of time to spare. All the more time to worry. And look at all the really professional people with their fancy bikes.

Strangely no one noticed the imposter in their midsts and allowed me to register and get my bag of goodies.

Back to the car to get my bike and take it to the transition area, I passed people with gel sachets, disc wheels, carbon fibre widgets and boxes of stuff. I had my bag with a few bits and a bottle of water.

 felt like Jan Molby had been invited round Beckhams and he had opened the door in his pants.

The bikes are hung up in the transition area and you lay all your stuff out. I spent a whole 5 seconds dumping mine by my bike and pouring half a talc mine into my socks.

Then lots of standing around trying to avoid the instinct to run away ...

The Start

With 10 minutes before the start I assembled on the pool side with the other members of my wave. To my eyes they were semi pro in the least, pretty much all dressed in some form of black rubber. Chatting to a couple of them it seemed we were all at our first one, which cheered me up, until I found out most of them ran 10k's or were road cyclists. I was the opposite. I dont do bad in the swim but the rest is a challenge.

Called to the pool side we were each given a timing chip to measure our splits and each section. Again I expected to be handed a sundial to measure my time, but my buff confident exterior confused them and I got a chip an all.

Into the water and countdown from 10 the first wave goes. Second wave goes then my turn. At this point I had decided that I might as well actually do this triathlon malarkey as I got my head wet.

The Swim

I pushed off and did my 16 lengths. As mentioned my swimming is the high point and straight away I caught up with the guy in front, which became a pain.

After 8 lengths, valour got the better of me and I thrashed wildly past him. I had only bloody overtaken someone... inside I did a little dance :-)


Out of breath after my sleek passing move I quickly caught up with the guy in wave one and decided to just plod behind him.  Then it was over. I carefully climbed out of the pool, gingerly tip toeing to the grass area out side lest I slip (plus you musn't run next to a pool)

Then once on the grass I felt I had to run to my bike cause everyone else was. I did feel a berk as I am not sure my transition times were that important, although people clapped and cheered me (again mistakenly)

The Cycle
Helmet on (not allowed to touch your bike without it being on) then socks (with its talcy loveliness) plus shoes and I was good to go. Wheel the bike down to main road and I was off on my 21km ride.

At this point life was easy. Swim went well, bike felt ok... I could do this. Then I started to hit the hills. Only little ones to begin with but we had been warned there was a long steepish climb. Knowing what is coming meant that every little hill was branded the big one, until a bigger one came along.

As I tootled along minding my own business, proper racers came screaming past me at about a billion miles an hour! They looked like were out for a morning paper not racing, rather than a red faced idiot huffing and puffing along a bike that was far superior to his abilities.

But this is where I discovered why people do it. Every single person that past me shouted encouragement or checked I was OK. Whilst you race by yourself, all of you race together. It was a lovely feeling.

Spurred on I was feeling all Wigganish and really enjoying my ride, that is until I met the hill. It wasn't really a big one, but it seemed to go on for a while and I just ran out of puff about halfway up. Having given myself permission beforehand I hopped off my bike and walked up the rest of the hill.At the top, I had the pleasure of a good downhill, hitting the heady heights of about 30mph.....vroooomm

Lap two of the course I was more into my stride and reach 3/4 before I hopped off, so a small victory to me. Then I headed back to the transition area, again being met by applause and encouragement.

Shiona did a little dance when I came into sight (mainly I found out later because she thought she would be scraping my up from under a HGV)

The Run
Bike racked, helmet off and off I toddled on my run. 5km around a part track part road course with one steep section (nope hadnt trained for that either). Strangely I felt fine, obviously sticking close to my training plan had helped with my fitness. I managed to get round with a mix of walking and running, with only my quads threatening to cramp up. The steep hill at 3km was met with a firm bout of walking and puffing..

Lapped by pretty much everyone and the milkman, I didnt really care, I knew I was going to finish. Again words of encouragement flowed as men hewn from raw granite breezed past me.

The final 2km downhill was almost a pleasure. I rounded the final bend and managed to ensure that I ran over the finishing line. Woo hoo.

The End
So that was it. I had finished and got my medal.

Or is it? 
As I packed up, all I could think about was when was the next one.

Within a week I have booked two more and one duathlon (run then bike then run) with potentially one more in the pipeline to take it to 5 events this year.

 Not bad for a fat boy.

oh and do you think I would learn.

I have booked to do a triathlon in Buxton in 6 weeks. 

They have hills in Buxton.

And it goes up the biggest... and what is classed as the most dangerous road in the UK.

bugger...

We're leaving together, But still it's farewell

Alot has happened since the last Blog. Well not happened in lots of ways. I had a weekend of Triathlons planned at end of March,but due to circumstances they both got cancelled.

All that build up, all that work and it felt like failure. I spent a week not exercising as it felt like someone had stolen my puppy...

But then I decided to do something positive and in pure Will logic I entered a Sprint Triathlon at the end of April. Which is double the length of the one that had been cancelled. What a great idea!

Except I had been training but not that hard because I didnt need to run that far. Now I do, so I have upping the training with painful consequences! The day after I feel like the tin man and just want someone to oil my joints.

So come Sunday at 9:25 I will embark on my first triathlon. I have even got a bib number 103 ... eeek. To say I have been thinking about it is an understatement. It is pretty much all that is on my mind. I have read the course description about a million times, worked out how I can mess up a million times and calculated my chances of dying.  Even reading my new favourite book about Wolfram Mathematica, the calculations supporting the big bang theory, inflation and how we are only a universe away from our doubles, doesnt help. Eeek  again.

I know I can finish and I dont even care if I am last (I do really unless people DNF then that is fine) but the unknown is a big headache

So this is it... I think... maybe...

Think about me on Sunday as I huff and puff around Kendal, cursing the world and my stupidity...

Ohh and I have booked another for September with plans of another two in between ... too early??

Tick Tick Tick Tick Boom...

This year has disappeared in a blur, often involving a lot of rain. Lots of rain. But now the sun is out and my feet have started to thaw out, smiles are beginning to appear on the lips of the public in the UK.

Training has been going well ish. Mostly sticking to the programme I am now into week 7. In fact in 4 weeks time I will have (theoretically) have completed my first triathlon. Gosh that is a thought!

Up until now it has been all in the gym due to the aforementioned weather. With teh sun out and dryign the ground I think the next few weeks will give me the opportunity to get out and experience the world flying past me as I dash along country lanes (or more likely huff and puff up the smallest hillock whilst old dears on their constitutionals race past me) 

To celebrate the fact it is coming up quickly I did what any sane, normal, slightly plump (stop sniggering) man would do and buy a trisuit. If you dont know what this is, think of skin tight lycra, with a nappy between your legs for the bike and fancy graphics. I know .I am hoping they dont think it is an Orca beached and start chucking water over me before a group of hippies try to roll me into the sea. And no I cant take that image back!

Up until now I have been maing so with normal gym stuff, but on the day you start with the swim before on to the bike and then a run. If you wear normal clothes your special bits often will get a little erm .. .chaffed. So instead I have got the sporting version of a gimp suit.  On the right is exactly what I dont look like!

My plan is to do this one and then do another 3 this year I think. The next ones will be the bigger versions rather than the baby version I am doing at the moment. In theory if I havent died, got bored or something I might aim to do an Olympic distance next year. It sounds so simple when you say it out loud ...

Outside of training stuff, I am currently setting up my own company. Started some work already and will be out flogging my amazing abilities in the general public in the next week or two.

Something that you may all be interested to know about is I am launching "Name that Flock"to help create identities for my new logos. And yes there will be prizes.. sheepy ones..


 Music Corner 

A beauty of a tune this week Logistics - Back 2 U (click on Pic)

You done what?

The pain has subsided. Although a trip to get a sports massage on Friday left me covered in bruises. I am not sure I should be paying a lady to do that to me!

Another week has flown past, in a blur of wind rain and sweat. I had been hoping to get outside to do some training but not until this storm passes.

Over the last month I have roughly Swum 5km, Run 25km & Biked 150km which combined could get me to Carlisle.

I know, winnah winnah, chicken dinnah indeed. I could have a wicked night out there... apparently Guildhall Museum is Carlisle’s best kept secret.. so I will set my sat nav to there!

Wierdly my body seems to have been taken by aliens (and not the probing kind). the last couple of times I have been to the gym, I have really enjoyed it. Yes I know. No I havent taken any of that. Honest.

Which is good as now I have started my own business, time is going to be at a premium so I need to avoid feeling like I have to drag myself along to the gym and its bright green walls looking like a bad fast food place, or maybe they bought the paint from Del Boy.

Another added bonus is that I am getting faster. I guess it is because I am spending less time panting, bent double like a wheezing old man and more time ambling along like a wobbly dinosaur. Thats a mental image for you all to savour (how many of you thought Barney rather than a T Rex?)

I have only got 7 weeks before I actually do it properly proper for real and all that. Eeek.

On a final note thank you very much for all the contributions to the Gym idea. I have now met my fundraising target and I will be opening it with Two Hats Jimmy in the next six months :-)

 Music Corner 

And oldie but a goodie..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l6vTw97QWs

House of Pain

Not just a 90's music reference, but a fact of life at the moment.

Yes yes I know girls have high pain thresholds and boys don't. Yes I know that manflu is the most life threatening non lethal, but I hurt.  A lot.

Just a dull ache, located erm .. in my body ... everywhere. This has made the last 3 workouts based around grin and bear it.

I must have distorted the fabric of space time when I run because on one occasion 3 minutes was long than my whole 6 weeks holiday as a child! 

Still by 8am this morning I had completed my brick (40 minutes cycle followed by 15 minutes run). Ouch. And this is week 3 of 12. Woo and Hoo.

Ignoring my self pity and frankly childish moans, those that know me, know that I am quite frankly a bit odd at times.

Voices in my head this morning....(does wavy hands thing)

"Good morning Dragons. Today I am going to pitch to you a new and unique idea in branded exercise programmes.  It is called Two Toned and will reach £100 profit after year 3. I am asking for £100K investment for 4% of the company.

Studying the current offerings in the marketplace, my research identified a gap in the working out and and Ska  music. I havent heard of any other gyms in the Accrington area offering such a unique and stylish proposition.

Before you rush to invest I will outline some of the details. Two Toned will be a black an white themed gym, with all of the music supplied by Ska and Two tone bands.

Members will have to wear pork pie hats whilst working out for that extra Beat Burn (TM) which by providing coverage the head area will increase atoms leaving the body by up to 1% 

The gym will have a house band led by the weight loss king Buster Blood Vessel. They will provide up tempo music, a performance to perspire to.

The gym will also host every wave of Ska bands up to and including the 3rd wave. 

Themed nights include Beatercise, Leaner than Jake, Rowing with big Fish and Rankin Roger Run.

We would extend the chain with brand such as New Row Mantics, Rock and Run, Middle of the Row and Cross Country Music. 


I am now open to questions .... .Yes Theo ......" (wavy hands)

 Music Corner 

This week is that amazing duo -   
Carter USM with Surfing USM 

The intro to the song just explains it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l6vTw97QWs




 

Mmmbop

So I am back .. after a few months. Missed me ? I doubt it.Well welcome back to this irregular and frankly irrelevant load of tosh that is my blog.

In the intervening months I have almost moved to a small hebridean island, started volunteering at a horse sanctuary and now am living the dream in a small northern town.

Due to the move and life getting in the way training dropped off (erm sort of stopped) with it becoming patchy.

Got back to the Gym at the beginning of December and hated it with a passion. Then foolishly, I accidentally entered my first triathlon. Well as accidentally as you can do it, and no I wasn't drunk ... the theory being that if I have a date, I need to get training.

Which it has. Over the last 5 days I have trained un 4 of them, including two pool sessions and two lots of running. It hurts. A lot. And the next day you get up and start all over again. 3 months of this ..eek.



So why Mmmbop. well like any good scholar I have been doing my research about triathlons and came across something interesting. There are different levels of triathlon with the top one being the Ironman. This is pain on a epic scale.

Roughly it consists of 3.8k swim, 180k bike ride and then a marathon. One after another.  In under 17 hours.

Those who have completed it like to adorn themselves with a badge of honour, which is the M Dot. It is the Ironman logo.

So why do I care. I dont. Sort of.

Imagine this scenario, an unruly class is messing about the teacher threatens to give them a test if they don't behave. Out of the 30 students 29 will be dreading a test, yet one will want to take it, to test themselves.

A lone voice against the sanity peddled by others.

Some where inside of me is this class. 99% of me looks at an M Dot and thinks yeah that's nice.

But I am never going to get one.

Yet...

yet..

somewhere is a quiet voice saying "yes I would love one".

Reality strikes ...

I wonder if they do fake transfer ones ...

Music Corner

 The only way I can get through some of the runs is to listen to decent music. So each week I will bring you one Tuuuuuuuuuuuunnnneee that has eased my misery.

This week it has been Apollo 440 - Odessa Dubstep.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjZEXIvQz-0

Please if you have any recommendations for Tuuuunes to run to I am all ears ...

Apologies for lack of funny stuff but this is the first week so breaking you in gently.
Next week I will do better.