Johnny Drama ...

So the last week has been quiet on the running front. After being defeated, rather than get back on the horse I allowed everything to get in the way ...

Really it was a bit of cowardice ... but today bright and early I ventured back to the roller of doom to complete my task. Fuck was that hard ... I have to admit I walked an extra minute so technically I didnt complete it ... still I got to the end of the time... still very very broken.

The hard bit is the mental bit, I cant switch my brain off or refocus it. Loads floating around my head from inputting accounting journals through to what I am actually going to do in life.

In 8 days time our bubble will burst... this life I have created in the fantasy world of Cambodia will disappear and will be back

I wont lie and say I am looking forward to coming home .. .I am not. For lots and lots of reasons ... too varied and too numerous to mention. Yet I dont love Cambodia, I dont love this life ...it is the most frustrated I have ever been a country that doesnt want to change...

I was introduced to the concept of the Drama triangle a few years ago. it was one of those really simple concepts that honestly can apply in most situations

For anyone who doesn't know the triangle is made up of three elements.

The Victim feels pressured by the Persecutor and will tell everyone. normally this is the "not my fault syndrome". then to the rescue comes the Rescuer to help "save" the Victim.

This doesnt work because whilst the Rescuer wants to save the Victim, they dont actually want to be saved! Or as wonderful Wikipedia puts it the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels, the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor does not really have a valid complaint. [Details] [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle…]

What was interesting is that the role can and will change, the reasons change but ultimately whilst anyone is part of the triangle you will not get a resolution or even be able to have a grown up conversation!

Today I have been a triangle all to myself ... persecuting, rescuing and complaining all to myself about myself. I have decided to stop and have a grown up conversation with myself ..

Living in a country full of Victims, Persecuted by the government and surrounded by lots of Rescuers it really hard.

No wonder normality well .. doesnt exist...